The Monster Under The Bed

When meeting clients for the first time, a small warning light goes off in my mind when they share a huge catalogue of their achievements around the amazing work that they do.  

My little brain asks, “what is it they’re hiding if they have to fill the space with all this success?”

It’s very rare for an organisation to bring us in if they are that successful.  There have been times where I have applauded people for what they’ve achieved, almost always from a tiny workforce.  I then pointed out that there’s clearly no need for me to be here.

This is sometimes the point where the tone of the conversation changes. I recognise it’s hard for some to talk about the areas that they personally feel they are failing (they’re never failing, but it often feels like it to them).

In a recent meeting I asked what are the monsters hiding under the bed?

You see we have them and much like monsters under the bed they’re not actually real, they don’t exist, but they can feel pretty terrifying to us.

The client mentioned one aspect of their business, as the words came out, their shoulders slumped and they looked at the floor.

I was delighted by this response because I could see how big a deal this was.  This one small area of their operation was having the biggest emotional impact.

We moved on to what other monsters might be hiding. 

This time there was a casual response; “capacity”. Having just witnessed the physical reaction from the previous situation I was far from convinced that capacity was the issue. There was no nervousness, no physical reaction, it was just a word with half a question mark.

“Capacity” is something all of us struggle with, mostly because of our own desire to do more.

I asked what happens if they don’t complete their tasks. This was the moment where the shoulders slumped again because they didn’t know. I suggested that there’s probably one of two situations which would happen. The Chair would say “I trust you.  If it hasn’t been done, I believe that it couldn’t have. What do you need from me?”.

Or the other one, where your Chair says, “If you can’t do the work will need to find someone who can”.

I appreciate that it’s never this black and white but one of the benefits in being in this role is that by using black and white scenarios you often get to see with greater clarity what’s happening behind the scenes.  

Being detached from the organisation and impartial can be hugely beneficial.

Thankfully, the team agreed that it was probably the former, that they would be supported and through a gentle conversation it was agreed that they would meet with their Chair to have this conversation.  We work with other clients who don’t have such understanding and trusting boards.

This approach occasionally works against us from a financial perspective.  We always look into the organisations who are asking us to work with them.  One company wanted a review of their business model.  The two directors were very impressive, and they talked me through the areas of the business which were draining their energy.

The easiest thing to have done would have said yes to the work, fulfil the brief and get paid.

Instead, I asked “what are you not telling me?”

What followed was a very honest conversation around complex relationships, both existing and historical. I don’t think space had been made for what felt like a very long overdue and incredibly important conversation.  Come the end of this it was apparent they did not need to have their business model reviewed.

I sometimes get credited with being empathic, but I disagree.  I think empathy is about feeling someone else’s pain and (confession time) I don’t.  I wouldn’t even try.  Mainly because I don’t think I have a chance of getting it right.

But I interpret compassion as accepting something is real and having a desire to help.  Where I see this distinction, being helpful is where others need to share something but don’t want to add an emotional burden to someone else.

During a training course with a lot of mixed professional disciplines we had a module on empathic listening.  The exercises were to highlight the emotional barriers which are stopping people from progressing.  One of my colleagues (he was a lawyer whether that means anything or not) said he didn’t feel like he had the skills or training to deal with a situation where someone might get upset.  I interpreted this as “you don’t have the skills to be a human being?”

It was Albert Einstein who said something like, “If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend 50 minutes thinking about the right question to ask”.

And it was Karamo Brown who said, “If it’s hysterical it’s historical”.

We all have monsters under the bed and many of us hide our insecurities and our fears behind our successes.

Please by all means, celebrate those amazing successes, but remember that finding the right question to ask and making space for some honest conversations is a crucial stepping stone in ensuring the direction we head in is full of the right energy and productivity.